Times Quick Cryptic No 2223 by Marty

Author   rolytolyPosted on Categories Quick Cryptic

Fun puzzle today with some very nice clues, in what seems to be Marty’s first puzzle in almost exactly a year.

I won’t make an assessment of difficulty: I got through this in a breezy 6:07, which was slower than the previous two days done just before. I must be rejuvenated from holiday. Or maybe I lucked out and caught some mystery beneficial bug on the plane, in which case I’m sure I’ll make a speedy recovery.

We have a rock band in the top row, but if there’s any further theme it eludes me.

Thanks a lot to the Rotter for doing the blog last week, which 20d for you means you’ll have me again next week. Many thanks to Marty!

Across
1 Transport judge on yacht, first of all (3)
JOY – Judge On Yacht “first of all”. TRANSPORT for joy comes from the sense of being taken out of oneself, usually now in a positive sense, but can be any strong emotion including rage or hate, which makes rather ambiguous JSC Abbott’s 1854 quote in the OED about Napoleon being ‘hailed with transport wherever he appeared’. Sent/transported/ecstatic crops up a bit and is worth remembering.
3 I’d turned back, seeing difference of opinion (8)
DIVISION – I’D is “turned back”, VISION (seeing)
9 Souvenir of yours truly, without article, meant nothing (7)
MEMENTO – ME (yours truly), MEaNT without the A (article), O (nothing)
10 A large protective coat for church table (5)
ALTAR – A L(arge) TAR (protective coat)
11 Love song composed about very English kitchen accessories (4,6)
OVEN GLOVES – anagram (composed) of LOVE SONG about V(ery) E(nglish)
14 Editor’s bringing people in for edits (6)
EMENDS – ED’S (editor’s) bringing in MEN (people)
16 Celebrity vet has removed tail fast (6)
STARVE -STAR (celebrity) VEt “has removed tail”
18 Choose a bloomer, reportedly for hot sauce (10)
PICCALILLI – sounds “reportedly” the same as PICK A LILY (choose a blooomer)
22 One embraced by fat Scottish landowner (5)
LAIRD – I (one) embraced by LARD (fat)
23 Crime relating to fight with sword (7)
OFFENCE – OF (relating to) FENCE (fight with sword)
24 Five hundred in unusual Spanish football gear (4,4)
SHIN PADS – D (500) in an anagram (unusual) of SPANISH
25 Insect found in Quantocks (3)
ANT – “found in ” quANTocks
Down
1 Elephant: black thing that flies! (5,3)
JUMBO JET – JUMBO (elephant) JET (black)
2 Complained peevishly, upsetting me, my dear! (8)
YAMMERED – anagram (upsetting) of ME MY DEAR
4 Metal leg, able to be pressed into place (4-2)
IRON-ON – IRON (metal) ON (leg-side = on-side in cricket). Iron-on, as in a T-shirt design or the like.
5 Some obtain an estimate that’s most foolish (7)
INANEST -“Some” of obtaIN AN ESTimate
6 Keen on one set of books only, at first (4)
INTO – I (one) NT (set of books) O (Only “at first”)
7 Old imperial Roman, or Egyptian, gutted after revolution (4)
NERO – OR EgyptiaN “gutted”, after revolution = reversed
8 Cosy in US, indulge every so often (4)
SNUG – u S i N d U L G e “every so often”
12 Larks, in a whirl, land in Indian Ocean (3,5)
SRI LANKA – anagram (whirl) of LARKS IN A
13 Regretful writer, one with temporary accommodation (8)
PENITENT – PEN (writer) I (one) with TENT (temporary accommodation)
15 Old and dull doctor that is descending on Irish party (5-2)
DRIED-UP – DR (doctor) IE (that is) coming down on DUP (Irish party)
17 Pact, at heart, what’s needed for binding agreement (6)
ACCORD – pACt “at heart” CORD (what’s needed for binding)
19 Send up and look at daily paper (4)
LOFT – LO (look) at FT (daily paper)
20 A girl is too short, sad to say (4)
ALAS – A LASs (girl) “is too short”
21 Thirty seconds, perhaps, to put on one’s skirt (4)
MINI – thirty seconds = half of a minute = MINute, going on I (one). “Perhaps” indicates something cryptic going on. I biffed this and so missed the clever device – I always love this type of wordplay.

 

90 comments on “Times Quick Cryptic No 2223 by Marty”

  1. Top to bottom solve in 9:49 min!

    I didn’t parse JOY, having never heard of that meaning of transport, and I also NHO of EMENDS or PICCALILLI but the wordplay and crossers were clear

    Lots of little things in here that would have been impossible for me at the start of the year, so I’m definitely learning

    2. Wow,congrats- at 9 minutes or so I’m usually still getting comfortable in my chair, trying to kick-start my brain into crossword-tackling mode!

  2. An attack of fat-fingeredness meant a lot of time spent retyping, and extra time proofreading. 7:38.

  3. 7 minutes. I’m not sure I have ever known a specific meaning of YAMMER although I’ve heard references to people ‘yammering on’ and always thought I understood what was meant from its context at the time. SOED has it as:
    1 a) Lament, mourn; cry out or howl in distress, wail; whine, whimper. obsolete exc. Scot. & dial. b) Utter complainingly, grumble. c) Complain, grumble.
    2 Make a loud noise or din; yell, shout; talk volubly. E16.
    3 Long, yearn, crave. obsolete exc. Scot. & dial.

    Marty is a rare visitor to the setting team, or would be if he were not one of the many pseudonyms of the esteemed Crossword Editor. As Marty he has given us 20 puzzles in the eight-and-a-bit years since Quick Cryptics began. On two of his three most recent outings before today we noticed themed puzzles (one on Camberwick Green / Trumpton and the other on Dad’s Army) so I was looking for one today but failed to find it. If it’s to do with the band ‘Joy Division’ as suggested by Roly in his blog then it would be lost on me as I never heard of them.

    1. Not heard of Joy Division. OK…

      Anyway I completely missed the presence of the Manchester band when I was solving. Lead singer Ian Curtis had a distinctive, er, fashion sense I guess you’d call it, that might explain the presence of a RAIN COAT in the unches towards the bottom. And the definitions you gave of yammering might describe his vocal delivery

    2. Sometimes I feel like in terms of cultural references that Jack and I know.. It would be depicted by a Venn diagram with no overlap 😂

  4. I meant to say that ‘transport’ means to be affected by a strong emotion, and it has come to be associated with things pleasurable or ecstatic rather than negative. It often appears in the expression ‘transport of delight’ used in poetry and several hymns, the best-known perhaps being The Lord is my Shepherd 5th verse:

    Thou spreadst a table in my sight;
    thy unction grace bestoweth;
    and oh, what transport of delight
    from thy pure chalice floweth!

    It’s also the title of a song by Flanders and Swann about London buses.

    1. >20<25 for steady progress into the SCC. Bifd MINI and NHO YAMMERED. Thanks Roly for the explanation and Marty.
      COD DRIED-UP.

  5. Typo yesterday but can’t excuse today’s pink square. Parsed it but still typed in MoMENTO. I’ve tried saying it out loud a couple of times and I can see the problem. Perhaps I’ll have a slither of cake to get over it.

  6. 19 minutes plus as I had spotted JOY, JUMBO JET and IRON ON walking from the printer.
    FOI: See above.
    LOI: PENITENT which along with LOFT needed careful reading of the WP.
    Favourite: STARVE.

  7. There is a song reference here: “Joy Division Oven Gloves” by the band Half Man Half Biscuit. I kid you not.

      1. Ye gods. Half the puzzle is in there!! How on earth did you know that?

        Well the dish is too hot
        you’ll never guess what
        I’ve got Joy Division oven gloves
        If it’s her desire
        I’ll put my fingers in the fire
        ‘Cos I’ve got Joy Division oven gloves
        I’ve got Joy Division oven gloves
        Ooh ooh tropical diseases
        Ooh ooh chemical alarm
        Ooh ooh I’m a little blasé
        In me Joy Division oven gloves
        In me Joy Division oven gloves
        I’ve been here and I’ve been there
        In me Joy Division oven gloves
        I”ve been to a post-punk Postcard fair
        In me Joy Division oven gloves
        Ooh ooh Nagasaki towpath
        Ooh ooh tickling the laird
        Ooh ooh checking out the Quantocks
        In me Joy Division oven gloves
        In me Joy Division oven gloves
        On a sinking ship a sailor yearns
        For his Joy Division oven gloves
        Nero fiddles while Gordon Burns
        In his Joy Division oven gloves
        Talk to the hands, talk to the hands
        In his Joy Division oven gloves
        Dance dance dance dance
        In your Joy Division oven gloves
        Ooh ooh piccalilli shinpads
        Ooh ooh polishing the nave
        I keep wicket for the Quakers
        In me Joy Division oven gloves [repeat]
        My grandfather’s clock was too tall for the shelf
        So I sold it and opened up a stall
        Selling Joy Division oven gloves
        We got Joy Division oven gloves
        Get your Joy Division oven gloves
        Hallelujah

        1. Wow – brilliant. Has there ever been a more random/niche NINA (if this counts as one – I’m never 100% sure)??

          “Nero fiddles while Gordon Burns” 😂😂😂

          1. This is taking NINA-ing to a totally new level! More please from Marty!!

            I have now gone as far as listen to the song on youtube. I think I know why it remains deep in obscurity …

          2. Random?
            Well there was one, also from the editor but setting as Felix, that contained references to a teacher at his child’s school.

              1. Yes, but not quite so random perhaps because the editor is also known to set as Felix, Des, Oran, Marty, Kenny and Rodney, all first names of Coleraine FC managers. And as Alconiere which is an anagram of the club’s name. The teacher puzzle was a theme nobody stood a chance of spotting and we only know about it because the editor later owned up to it.

                1. I appreciate it may have taken some work on the setter’s behalf, and I applaud it, but surely that teacher one can’t count as a NINA?!

                  1. I’ve looked up the blog to that puzzle now and although Felix joined in to confirm there was a Nina the comments ended before details were revealed, so that must have happened in another discussion or another place. Referring to my own notes made at the time the hidden references were to a number of teachers at the school, not just the one as I had thought earlier.

        2. Ahaha wow I knew of The Wombats’ song Let’s Dance to Joy Division but I’ve never heard this one

          What a great Nina

        4. Wow indeed, great catch Tim and Verlaine, and thanks a lot to Templar for the lyrics – it made listening to the (rather good) song all the better. Half the puzzle in there is right: a superb effort from Marty.

        5. I was previously aware of the fine work of Half Man Half Biscuit and have always liked this song, due to being a fan of Joy Division too!

    2. Excellent! I was concerned for a moment that it might have had more darker concerning references to the band’s name and where they got it from..

  8. Much to enjoy here, though I found myself in biff-then-parse mode for a number of the clues, only working out the wordplay once I had the answer rather than the other way round.

    Yammered not familiar in the precise sense of complaining (indeed not known to my phone’s spellchecker at all), and Loft as a verb also took a second think. But most time spent on my LOI Mini, tossing up between that and its longer sister the Midi, and being unable to see the parsing for either. Finally the PDM that “30 seconds” meant half a minute, a big smile and a finish in just over 10 minutes.

    Marty can come more frequently IMO! Many thanks to Roly for the blog.
    Cedric

  9. A fun puzzle, where the main issue for me was spelling! I wanted MEMEMTO to have 2 Os and 1 E and PICCALILLI is always a challenge for me (both spelling and taste-wise).
    I spotted the band but didn’t know enough about them to pick out the other references – thanks to those who did for the enlightenment.
    Started with JOY and finished with NERO in 8.33.
    Thanks to Roly

  10. (Re the theme, the assembled general knowledge of this forum never ceases to astonish me.)

    On opening the Club I saw that the average time was quicker than usual so I tried to type as fast as possible on my phone, thus resulting in lots of fat fingering and retyping. Grr. It was a pleasantly easy puzzle but with no drop in quality (rather dispelling the theory that a themed puzzle is a bad puzzle).

    COD OVEN GLOVES, time a nicely precise 07:00 for a sub-K (but then I risked not proof reading!) and a Red Letter Day.

    Many thanks Marty and Roly.

    Templar

  11. Should’ve proof read!! 7:17 but with STARTE, even though I parsed it correctly. Grrhh! FOI, JOY, LOI LOFT, into which the men will shortly be installing the inverter and batteries for my solar panels. Thanks Marty and Roly.

  12. 6’51” as I bounced back and forth and up and down to complete what I thought was a lovely puzzle with some eclectic answers OVEN GLOVES, SHIN PADS, PICCALLILLI, YAMMERED (which was biffed) but take a bow Marty (and thanks Roly) for the stunning connection (take a bow, too, Lord Verlaine for pulling it out and Templar for the subsequent googling!) of an obscure HalfManHalfBiscuit track – I am blown away.

    1. FTAOD, I only googled the lyrics after [on edit] Tim had told us about the song and the Lord Verlaine had given us an example – all credit goes to them!

      1. That credit now transferred in full to Lord Verlaine.

        Some additional credit to you for the googling and transcribing (copy&pasting)!

      1. Oh no! Sorry Tim, I missed that. Massive thanks to you too. I wont do another edit and will be more careful in future before I throw random credit around!!! It’s just too much responsibility.

  13. Reading the above – indeed a niche NINA. No drop in quality for me – well done to Marty!

    NHO that definition of YAMMERED, but I trusted the anagram and noted the smoothness of the surface. I spelled PICCALLILI wrongly to begin with, but luckily the crosser of ACCORD put me right.

    The surface for OVEN GLOVES made that my favourite today.

    4:48

  14. A very good day. About 12 mins which is a record for me. Needless to say, NHO the bonkers Joy Division Oven Gloves!
    Must admit I biffed a lot.
    Like JUMBO JET, OVEN GLOVES, PENITENT, PICCALILLI, among others.
    Thanks for needed blog, Roly.

  15. Well that was a quick QC. A sub 7 minutes solve and on my phone too. As for the NINA…well it’s all Greek to me. Only MINI went in unparsed so thanks for the explanation.

  17. One of the popular hymns “To God be the Glory” contains the line ‘What wonder what transport when Jesus we see’. Clever clue for mini – good puzzle all round! thanks all!

  18. What a niche Nina! Never heard of band or song! Neat puzzle – guessed at YAMMERED (NHO). LOI the OFFENCE/LOFT cross.

  19. Sub-10 for the first time ever! All parsed and only a slight hold up at LOFT. Noted JOY DIVISION but certainly didn’t see the nina (amazing spot Tim!). Lots of write-ins which is rare for me so knew this must be on the easier side. Many thanks Marty and Rolytoly.

  20. Naturally the nina passed me by, (in fact our two ships weren’t even in the same ocean), but at least this one didn’t ruin a quirky but gentle QC. More like this, and a little less Dickens please. A top to bottom solve in 14mins, with pauses over Yammered (good job it was an anagram) and my final pair in the NE, Iron On and Division. CoD for the surface in 11ac, Oven Gloves. Invariant

  21. Brilliantly constructed Nina even though I have no knowledge of the song, congratulations to Marty. Dashed this one out in 7.09, so quicker than usual.
    Delayed for a while by initially putting in FENCING, but solving 17dn put me right.
    Ah, PICCALILLI beloved by my parents and hated by me. Haven’t seen it in years, but no doubt it’s still around.

  22. Agree on excellent NINA (having read the above from Templar) but NHO of the song or the band! FOI – JOY, LOI – PENITENT. Lost time on SNUG as used alternate letters to come up with IDLE which assumed to be an unknown Americanism, but this blown apart by MEMENTO. Fun, all the same. Thanks, All.

  23. A speedy (for me) puzzle sadly ending in a DNF! Wasn’t familiar with look=LO and so missed 19d. (I put in LIFT … )

    Never heard of PICCALILLI (or “Joy Division Oven Gloves” for that matter, haha!)

    Even so, lots of fun, and am delighted to learn about the hidden theme.

  24. Though I rarely comment on the Quickie, thought I should drop in to add my applause to this effort. I was delighted by it, being a pretty keen devotee of HMHB, though I know at least one member of the crosswording community who is a bigger one (see below if you wish to read an entertaining article about the band: regular attendees of Times Finals Day will already be familiar with John Burscough as a fellow solver, though possibly not his secret identity…)

    https://www.theguardian.com/music/2022/apr/27/half-man-half-biscuit-fanatical-followers-ashes-wirral-dukla-prague-tranmere-rovers-subbuteo

    1. Thanks for the article – lovely to have some background on the sort of outfit that can put piccalilli and shinpads together, and of course their wonderfully eccentric fans: their gigs sound like a riot!

  25. 5.43 with a …

    …horrible error which I can’t pass off as a typo – MOMENTO. Bottom up solve so it was my LOI and I didn’t spend too long parsing it…

    Can do crosswords. Can’t spell.

    All Ninas pass me by but I applaud Marty’s effort here

    Thanks all

  26. 13 mins…

    Enjoyable fare. Spotted the Joy Division reference but didn’t see the other connections. To say that was niche is an understatement.

    Can’t stand Piccallili – I would quote an amusing Peter Kay reference on the subject, but as it’s fairly rude I’ll give it a miss. However, if you’re interested, his “Chippy Tea” segment from Bolton is widely available on YouTube.

    FOI – 1ac “Joy”
    LOI – 17dn “Accord”
    COD – 21dn “Mini” – nice construction

    Thanks as usual!

  27. The Joy Division connections passed me by but, thankfully, did not get in the way of a good QC. I went through steadily (I try not to rush – it just leads to errors in my case) but I was still 4+ mins under target. I was surprised to be within 1.5K for a welcome change.
    Some nice clues. I rather liked PICCALILLI but my LOI was ACCORD.
    Many thanks to Marty and Roly. John M.

  28. Managed to solve this one in 23:28, though I did need extra help with offence. I couldn’t think of a word meaning fight with sword, until I sought extra prompting. Bruce Dickinson would have been upset with me.

    I have never heard of joy meaning transport, but it was obvious what the answer was from the clue wording “first of all”.

    An enjoyable puzzle.

  29. I know of both bands, but as the few songs that I’d heard by Joy Division were anything but joyful, I gave them a miss thereafter. Based on the above lyrics, Half Man Half Biscuit sound much more fun – perhaps it’s time to take a listen!
    However, I’m not feeling joyful today, because I made a silly error at 19d, biffed LIFT instead of LOFT, and didn’t go back to read the clue properly. Particularly annoying as I’d whizzed through this in 7:35. Boo! Time for cake, maybe more than a sliver.
    I’d forgotten that Marty is RR, and felt that the clues had a different feel. How amazing if he can develop different styles for his various pseudonyms.
    FOI Joy LOI would have been LOFT (see above) COD Piccallili (but not to eat)
    Thanks Marty and Roly – welcome back

  31. 16:34. IRON-ON and DRIED-UP took me the longest. I said to myself “PICCALILLI” immediately on reading clue but waited for all crossers so I would have a chance of getting the number of L’s and C’s right. When I saw JOY DIVISION I thought,aha, maybe I will finally unravel a Nina. But no, that’s all I got till I came here.

  32. Very entertaining – both the crossword and the comments above. I know of both bands, but it’s many years since I listened to anything by HMHB and I definitely can’t claim to have spotted the Nina.

    Spot on 20 minutes for me, so right on the cusp of escaping the SCC. My favourite clues were OVEN GLOVES and MINI (very clever), and PICCALILLI is one of my favourite relishes (especially a home-produced version, available from my local farmers’ market). I somehow remembered the meanings of YAMMERED and EMENDS, from a previous QC, but DNK transport = JOY and could not fully parse IRON ON.

    Many thanks to Marty, rolytoly and all who contributed to the HMHB discussion above.

  33. Thanks to Tim (both of them) for the heads-up on this one, and for the link to the Guardian piece. I don’t usually venture below the fold on this page of Times2, so I might have missed it otherwise.
    I am indeed on that Venn diagram between ‘Crossword solvers’ and ‘HMHB fans’ (though not ‘People called Tim’). I’ll be dancing to Joy Division Oven Gloves (or JDOGs as we Biscuiteers call it) tomorrow night at Birmingham O2 Institute – come over and say hello if you are too. I’ll be the one in the Hi-Vis jacket.
    (Incidentally, LAIRD and NERO are also Ninatic, and there are six other words in the grid that occur in HMHB lyrics, probably coincidentally).

  34. Great crossword – circa 20 minutes for me. Noted Joy Division and looked for more but not seen by me so congratulations to Tim.
    I might add that I had the honour of seeing Joy Division several times with the mighty Ian Curtis. A magnificent if troubled talent with two LPs that were to me ground-breaking at the time. And are still relevant and magnificent.
    Yes they were dark, and if you haven’t heard of the band name – from where it came – you may care to see where they got it from. (dark)
    Thanks all
    John

    1. Oh how wonderful. Several times! . I was born after Ian Curtis’s death and while he left his music behind he also seemed to have influenced all of my favourite music and the bands of my youth, as did New Order.

      1. Yes, very fortunate. I have a friend who wrote for the NME and so whenever they played in London we tried to see them. Pay at the door, hand stamped etc.

    2. Hi John, I saw Joy Division only once and it happened to be their last ever gig at Birmingham University High Hall. I’ve been a fan of the band and New Order ever since.

      1. 👍 it would be lovely to be able to relive the days! Oh well, Dark Star Orchestra at Shepherds Bush Empire a couple of nights ago was a recent wonder.

  35. All complete and parsed in 11 minutes, so must be on the easy side. Never saw the nina (I never do and anyway have never heard of the band or song). Nice crossword.

    FOI – 1ac JOY
    LOI – 17dn ACCORD
    COD – 18ac PICCALILLI

    Thanks to Marty and Rolytoly and to all above who provided enlightenment on the subject of the nina.

  36. Finished in just under 9 minutes and no real problems other than the spelling of PICCALILLI which I thought of quickly and adjusted the spelling as other answers came to me.
    I am now enjoying reading this blog and seeing what I missed. I am very familiar with Joy Division whose remaining members went on to form the even more successful New Order and then fall out spectacularly like so many bands.
    Enjoying the above lyric from HMHB; I know the name but not the music.
    Well done Marty. A puzzle which seems to have worked on many levels.
    David

  38. Finished in 12:20, stunned to read about the Nina here. The only thing I “remember” about Half Man Half Biscuit is the line “99% of gargoyles look like Bob Todd”, but I never knew who Bob Todd is/was, or even if my memory is correct.

  39. 20:05

    With the first two in being JOY DIVISION was on the lookout for more bands but didn’t find any.

    Technically a DNF as had PICCALILLI ending IE and an E in PENITENT. Otherwise straightforward until for the 3rd time this week getting stuck on the last 2. Todays testers being OFFENCE and LOFT.

  40. slowish as have been away so out of practice
    Never heard of the bands mentioned but bow to the vast knowledge of the group

  41. Fabulous quick cryptic as far as this fairly newbie is concerned! Lots of lovely word plays and clear signposts. Thank you Marty and please come again soon!

  42. Just amazing NINA…and such erudition from the commentators too!
    Started this taking a coffee this afternoon in Milton Keynes Art Gallery – anyone within reach should take a look at the Vivian Maier exhibition. It’s the first time it’s been in the UK. She was so talented, yet evidently so troubled by her early life/family experience. Finished solving after supper.

    FOI 1a Joy – I much prefer the Flanders & Swann reference
    LOI 24a – got there last
    COD has to be 11a Oven Gloves, but many lovely clues and misdirections to enjoy along the the way.

    Well done to Marty, Rolytoly and the rest of you too!

  43. What a great QC. I was around the 20 min mark. After a v long and tiresome day at work, this was a real tonic.

    I solve the QC the old fashioned way with paper and pen, which perhaps slows me down a little.

    Thank you for the excellent and informative blog.

  44. What an extraordinary Nina and a link with one of of Marty’s previous with the HBHB classic ‘Time flies by when you’re the driver of a train, riding into Trumpton with a cargo of cocaine’ Based on the train tune in Chigley. From their first album ‘Back in the DHSS’ which one of my school chums had on vinyl.
    Cricket is often a theme in crosswordland so very much looking forward to what Marty does with one of the other tracks- ‘Fuckin’ ‘ell, it’s Fred Titmus’.
    So glad I attempted the QC so late in the day. Thx Marty. J

  45. “There’s a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets”
    I rarely have cause to comment on the Quickie as after 2 years of hard toil my completion time averages around 30-40 mins but references to one of my favourite ever bands has forced my hand . There are too many moments of lyrical genius in Half Man Half Biscuit songs but IMO the one which contains some of the best lines is National Shite Day ( words below but much better to sing along )
    Enjoy

    Pulling the ice axe from my leg
    I staggered on
    Spindrift stinging my remaining eye
    I finally managed to reach the station
    Only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down
    After wondering to myself whether or not it should actually be called a train replacement service
    I walked out onto the concourse and noticed the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with
    Probably by a junior employee
    Disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal TVM
    Involving a tug-of-love-custody-battle
    Stockard Channing held sway
    Down in the High Street somebody careered out of Boots without due care or attention
    I suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette
    I.e. sidle out of the store gingerly
    Embrace the margin
    Fat kids with sausage rolls
    Poor sods conducting polls
    There’s a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets
    I try to put everything into perspective
    Set it against the scale of human suffering
    And I thought of the Mugabe government
    And the children of the Calcutta railways
    This works for a while
    But then I encounter Primark FM
    Overhead a rainbow appears
    In black and white
    Shite Day
    I guess this must be National Shite Day
    This surely must be National Shite Day
    Don’t tell me, it’s National Shite Day
    Float… float on
    Float… float on
    Barry… Herpes
    I got a letter from Stringy Bob
    Still on suicide watch
    Screws not happy
    Spotted a Marsh Fritillary during association
    Was roundly ignored
    What news you
    I felt sorry for him
    He’d only been locked up for public nuisance offences
    One of which saw him beachcombing the Dee Estuary
    Found a dead wading bird
    Took it home, parcelled it up, and sent it off to the rubber-faced irritant Phil Cool
    With a note inside which read: “Is this your Sanderling?”
    Another time saw him answering an advert in the music press
    “Keyboard player required: Doors, Floyd, etc.
    Must be committed, no time wasters”
    You can guess the rest
    I always imagined he would simply wander off some day into the hills
    To be found months later
    His carcass stripped by homeless dogs
    His exposed skull a perch for the quartering crow
    I folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocket
    All of a sudden I felt brushed by the wings of something dark
    May the Lord have mercy on Stringy Bob
    Shite Day
    I do believe it’s National Shite Day
    It all points to National Shite Day
    Someone’s declared it National Shite Day
    Shite Day
    My birthday! On National Shite Day
    No bogroll, it’s National Shite Day
    Cue drumroll, it’s National Shite Day

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